the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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