I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
