you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
His nipple licking is glorious
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