Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
