I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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