my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
