I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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