She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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