We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
