Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
