there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
