ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We left the knife in your bed.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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