On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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