it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
