Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
