He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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