So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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