I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
