so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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