Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
