my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
