once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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