Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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