I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
