seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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