She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my shit smells like andre
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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