I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
