Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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