Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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