It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
