Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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