I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
