The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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