Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
