it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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