why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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