his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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