I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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