Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
