he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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