why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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