someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
