how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
