We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
