so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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