Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
