I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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