In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
