I have demons in me.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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