He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
