census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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