Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He has the fingertips of a God
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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