We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
