What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
